104,574 people like Mars Bar
LOOK, it’s another one of the famous former kids from Haverstock School in Chalk Farm. But what-o-what are you doing John Barnes?
When you think of Barnes, you think of that goal against Brazil and more often his rap in the New Order masterpiece of an England song for the World Cup in 1990. Twas magnificent. Nobody doesn’t like ‘World In Motion’ (I’m singin’ for England. Eng-Er-Land, etc etc).
So, why – for the sake of advertising Mars – has the little boy from Haverstock gone and spoilt his own finest hour. In a sappy campaign, he re-sings the rap with ‘three lions on my shirt’ changed to ‘three lions on my Mars’. Aha. It’s been running for a few weeks now, causing upset every time it appears. And now, look up right: it’s infecting the internet. On Facebook, users are invited to change their profile picture to show a Mars Bar and JB’s chunky chops. Last night, 104,574 people had shown their admiration for the chocolate bar publicly.
What an awful thing. Sports heroes should be out there advertising shredded wheat, or broccoli or cabbage. Not chocolate – and crisps (Case ii. The People vs Gary Lineker). Wanna play for England sonny? A packet of Ready Salted and a Mars should set you up juuuust fine. I bet they wouldn’t allow that kind of packed lunch at Haverstock even before they put the new soccer pitches in.
…and what about the ad itself? Is that supposed to be a Des Walker-Lite behind Barnes’s generous frame? And the faux-Keith Allen… Never again, I say.
And this of course is what it’s meant to sound like. Note David Rocastle, a genuine hero is in the video, part of the Three Lions gang but sadly didn’t make the final Italia 90 squad. It was a real shame he didn’t get to go a World Cup.
The EnglandNewOrder masterpiece is, I agree, still the finest football song ever, bar none but John Barnes rap was, without doubt, the worst in history (and with MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice out there he’s had some stiff competition). I’d hoped that this track, unlike “Three Lions” which is now on version 28, would remain unsullied but it looks like old Johnny boy just got a big tax bill through…
“Wanna play for England sonny? A packet of Ready Salted and a Mars should set you up juuuust fine.”
Breakfast of champions, Richard.
Ahh, for the good old days, before “Sports Nutrition”, when the ball weighed a ton, the mud was six inches deep, and the post match debrief was 8 pints of Guinness and a curry.